What's the funniest thing you've ever heard a child say while trying to get out of trouble?

Beastdozer · 8 months

Back in middle school my friend got in trouble for telling a girl that his markers were lipstick, and that the darkest colors were the best. Naturally, she picks black and puts it all over her face. A teacher notices, busts him for it, and his defense is "It's not my fault she's so stupid!"

I thought he made a valid point.

kayveryn · 8 months

My youngest brother (2yrs) was asked if he pooped in his diaper. He said no. Was asked how it got in there then, and blamed it on the 4 year old. "Mike pooped in my diaper."

13kat13 · 8 months

"But I didn't do it! My hand made me do it! My hand is evil!!" I said this at age five every time I broke something.

apresmoiledeluge · 8 months

My cousin and I were goofing off in Thanksgiving day church service, something you just don't do around Missouri Synod Lutherans when suddenly my uncle caught her and hauled her out of the hall over his should kicking and screaming. Just before they exited out of the doors the whole congregation heard her little voice scream, "LITTLE BABY JESUS, HELP ME!"

odin528 · 8 months

To my niece: Don't go outside in your bare feet.

Five year old niece: But I haven't got bear feet I've got little girl's feet.

marmablue · 8 months

"I didn't bite him! I just put my teeth on him"

My brother, at age 4.

supreme_mugwump · 8 months

[deleted]

BarfingBear · 8 months

When my kid was 3, after she went to the toilet I would ask her if she washed her hands. Hiding her hands behind her back she would say, "I don't have hands."

SoftOath · 8 months

I was babysitting my neighbor's three year old girl last year and after I had put her to bed, about 10 minutes later, I heard something fall to the ground. I walk into the room and her lamp on the desk had broken on the ground. I asked her what happened and she, as innocently as could be, said, "It was Curious George! I was in bed! See! I'm in bed now! Curious George came and wanted to get me in trouble!"

That was a really fun story to tell her parents when they got home.

alexftw · 8 months

I got one that I said: I ate a cookie when I wasn't supposed. I turned to my mom and said, "I tripped and the cookie fell in my mouth." I got some solid excuses.

danielle_evans · 8 months

Not so much to get out of trouble rather than get ME into trouble; my sister fell down the stairs once while my mum was washing dishes and when she heard the thuds and the subsequent crying once my sister has reached the bottom, my mum has to run PAST me sitting on the floor, colouring in (I was in her view the whole time) to get to her; once she got there, my sister through her tears said "DANIELLE PUSHED ME!"

GRADUALLY_UNSURE · 8 months

When my brother was in 2nd grade, he told his teacher that he didn't have his homework because it was blown away by the Santa Ana winds.

zaltod · 8 months

My daughter did this to me not that long ago. On Friday nights I stay up late playing video games. I eat junk food and drink beer all night. Saturday morning, my daughter (3 years old at the time) is usually downstairs before me.

Me - Katie, did you eat skittles and cheetos for breakfast

Her - Daddy, if you don't want me to eat skittles for breakfast, you shouldn't leave them on the floor

I can't fault her logic, she won that argument.

AnUncomfortableTruth · 8 months

A kid ran into the back of my (parked) car on his bike. His face impacted the trunk, chipping a large part of his tooth off. Some man passing by, who saw the impact, kept the kid there and went in to see if the car owner, myself, was home.

When I got out there, the kid was holding his face, bleeding, repeatedly yelling "I didn't do it!"

I recommended the kid get home, it was a P.O.S. car anyway.

word_smith · 8 months

My 4 year old cousin wanted to sleep with his big cool grown up 18 yr old cousin (me). He wakes me up in the middle of the night and whispers that his "knees were sweating a whole lot". Sure enough, he was sitting in a large wet spot :/

Katirae · 8 months

Our son, 7 at the time, came to me complaining that our cat, who had the patience of a saint, had bitten him on the arm. Knowing both the cat and the child in question, I asked him what he had done to the cat to aggravate him and make him bite. He told me he was just walking across his room, and the cat bit him for no reason. Told him this was implausible, as the cat could not reach his arm if he was just standing up and walking. His response, after a thoughtful pause: "I was... walking low." And then he demonstrated: squatted, hunched his back, and waddled across the room. Laughter ensued, and we joke him about "low walking" to this very day.

TKInstinct · 8 months

After breaking an expensive model of an eagle foot I handed to a child, he took the claw and snapped it off. Then, he handed it back to me and says, "It's okay, I'm accident prone."

...

alerdz5 · 8 months

I walked into my room to find my younger brother eagerly flipping through some old wallet I never used. I called him out, and he insisted that he was just looking for his blanket. It was such amusing bullshit that I just walked away, chuckling.

blowjane · 8 months

My aunt was trying to discipline her 7 yr old son, and she says to him Matthew, the bible says to honour your mother and your father, to which Matt replies well, the national anthem says all thy sons command, so get me a pepsi.

Mr_A · 8 months

My brother wet the bed for an abnormally long time and... no, I'm telling the story wrong, hang on... When my brother was asleep, hose fairies would come in through the window and wet his bed with a hose and then fly away. That's what happened.

And although I slept in the same room, they never hosed my bed... in retrospect, I'm glad they didn't.

benc1213 · 8 months

My dad told me today that a kid was misbehaving and the teacher sent him to the corner and he pulled out a card and said to talk to his lawyer.

Leo-D · 8 months

I got caught looking at porn at age 11.

Dad - "What are you doing?"

Me - "A book report."

omiewise138 · 8 months

When my brother (10 yrs younger) was 5, he said "motherfucker" to my mom. Then he tried covering it with "I said 'mother's fat.'" I guess he thinks insulting her is better than swearing.

KibblesnBitts · 8 months

[deleted]

priaprismatic · 8 months

4 year old struggling to dress himself:

"Fucking pants. THESE FUCKING PANTS."

First time he'd ever cussed too.

Ghandisllama · 8 months

My 5 year old cousin was hitting me on my arm. her mom saw and said "Celia, it's not nice to hit. Don't do it" Immediately my cousin replied "But i'm not hitting! I'm spanking his arm."

FlandersIV · 8 months

when my cousin was 4, he was playing Candyland with my aunt (his mom). He was about to win but got a card that send him almost all the way to the beginning and he yelled "FUCK!!!". My aunt gave him a look aunt gave him a look that would make any four year old tremble and screamed his name. In an act of pure genius and desperation, he yelled "April fools!". How can you stay mad at that?!

BeerWolfCCDS · 8 months

I used to sleep over at my best friends house when we were both around 11. He had a younger brother who was 5 at the time this happened. We were eating breakfast with their father the next morning, we were all sitting around the table and his father asked "Who ate the shit sandwich" we all chuckled but his dad had a look of disgust.

Dad: no seriously.... Blake come over here. (blake is the younger brother)

Blake walks over

Dad: DUDE, did you crap your pants!?

Blake: says no and begins to break down.... now he is crying and protesting the accusations.

Dad : Come on man, you aren't a baby anymore you can't do that.

Blake : BUT I DIDN'T!!!

Dad : Its obvious blake its coming down your leg, go clean yourself up and take the sheets off of your bed.

Blake: I REALLY DIDN'T DO IT!!!!

Dad : ** now the joke has run old and he is visibly pissed off** WELL THEN BLAKE WHY DON'T YOU TELL US ALL WHAT HAPPENED, WHY IS THERE CRAP IN YOUR PANTS IF YOU DIDN'T CRAP YOUR PANTS.

Blake : JOHN DID IT!!! ( my name is john)

Me: spits drinks all over myself

everyone is now laughing pretty hard

Dad: So john just decided in the middle of the night to come take a crap in YOUR pants!?

Blake: now crying harder since everyone is laughing YEAH , HE DOES IT ALL THE TIME!!!

Everyone had a lotta laughs over it and its been a little inside joke between me and my friend for 15 years now. Little does everyone know that when i was a kid i had a really bad sleepwalking problem, often times waking up in the middle of the house with random items. Once i even pissed in the oven. So for 15 years now I have REALLY wondered if i took a shit in my best friends brothers pants while he was sleeping in bed.....in said pants.

mintyhorse · 8 months

That reminds me of a story about my cousin. He had to go to the principal office because he kicked a kid. When the principal asked what he could have done differently he said that he could have punched him.

Also a different cousin (brother of the other cousin) threw a battery at another cousin. The battery ended up leaving a mark on his head. When their mom found out she ask the first cousin... "Why did you throw that battery at his head?" My cousin replied... "He was supposed to duck."

edit:// they were all around 6 at the time.

LittleMissScotland · 8 months

My cousisns used to sleep in the same bed when they were younger. One night, their mum finds crumbs in the bed, so she stands them up and starts questioning them. Cousin one (guilty party) says "It wasn't me", and then so does Cousin two.
So Cousin one, being the bright spark that he is, tells my aunt "Well if it wasn't her then it must've been me."

unglad · 8 months

"God did it." From a five year old.

snikerpnai · 8 months

When I was in middle-school, I was a magnifying glass freak. One day, I burnt a hole in a tarp covering my parents tiller (very expensive) and walked away not noticing the small flame that had begun. Needless to say, that sucker was going up in flames about 10 minutes later. When my parents asked my how this could of happened, I told them I was "trying to burn rust off a shovel." They didn't buy it. When the fire dept. showed up, they questioned me, and I told them it was spontaneous combustion, which they asked me how to spell as they wrote it on their report.

IClimbStuff · 8 months

"Did you saw me do it? If you didn't saw me do it I didn't do it and I'm not lying."

Acadiaa · 8 months

You did it

boogieboogie · 8 months

(tearfully) "It's not my fault Mommy, my brain told me to do it!" My 4.5 year old last week.

meanchase02 · 8 months

I have been collecting Lego Star Wars sets for a while now. My son knows that they are off limits. I return home and find my Collector's Edition Millennium Falcon #10179-1 in pieces on the floor in my office. When I ask him what happened he said "It didn't make it out of the blast of the death star".

jdquinn · 8 months

I was dead at the time.

fetalfilly · 8 months

There was a chimp named Lucy that was raised by a human family. She learned sign language, how to take care of some aspects of the house, and how to behave properly. When she was left alone in the house one day, she pooped in the kitchen and didn't clean it up. Her human parents came home, saw the mess, and asked who did it, to which she replied that it was the research assistant's fault.

Lucy, after being gently but firmly reprimanded, went to the research assistant a few days later and apologized for the false blame.

BackstageLeft · 8 months

When I was five, my parents told me I was in trouble (for something, my parents don't remember what) and my dad said "You knew the consequences."

I responded with "But I don't like the consequences!"

darktoasteroven · 8 months

My brother getting mad at his 3 year old son for throwing things across the room into the toy bucket.

Brother: Stop throwing your stuff across the room

Nephew: But grandma showed me how and she's ... YOUR MOM!

vanillacustard · 8 months

I was 1-2 years old at the time when my mum finds me. I've drawn all over all the walls with a pen I found and go "Mum it was your fault. You shouldn't have left me here with the pen"

omittoyou · 8 months

Shit. OP, are you talking about me?

When I was in 4th (or 5th) grade, me and my friend were passing rocks to each other. Yeah yeah, we were idiots.

Anyways, the pass was going to get to him, but nooooo, a girl had to run in the way. And use her head to block the rock. And start bleeding from the head.

I swear, it was an accident, I was throwing it at another kid.

revmdn · 8 months

No lie, and I don't know where she learnded it, but when I scoled my eight year old she'll say "anus pucker hole" and I'll lose it. She know this and will always try to make me laugh instead of getting in trouble.

adeahtie · 8 months

At a neighbourhood barbecue and one of the kids called his sister a bum head. The dad says 'Reuben, don't call your sister a bum head', to which Reubs said, 'I didn't call her bum head - I called her bum face.'

phinfan34 · 8 months

Whenever im late to class i say "oh i wa taking a dump" and the teachers dont pursue the matter

rizwan_k · 8 months

We were at my cousins house and the whole family had sat down for breakfast, my nephew who was around 2 at the time was trying to become more independent and his grandmother was making him cereal, he said that he wanted to eat by himself and she said that was fine as long as he didn't spill. Sure enough, Grandma turns around and he spills the cereal all over the floor. With a look of utter horror on his face, my nephew yells, "Grandma, don't look!". My grandma without turning around said "Ok, i won't look. It's fine if you spilled, I'm not mad"

Edit: Something traumatic had happened to the family earlier that week to my niece (that was the reason we were all there), so my aunt, their grandma wanted to show that she loved her grand kids no matter what.

PrisonerXXX-XX-6230 · 8 months

I karate chopped this fat bully in the face one time and busted his nose up and told the principle that 'the wind blew my hand into his face', rofl.

IguanaBob · 8 months

Used to work in a preschool. A very intelligent but fairly malicious 4 y/o girl had taken to picking up hand-fulls of sand on the playground and blowing them onto the other children. When I stopped her and asked her why she was doing that, she responded, "Well, I was just trying to exercise my lungs!"

edit: handfuls of *sand

drotoriouz · 8 months

I caught my little brother stealing some toys from Ross. He told me that "THE STEALER PUT IT IN MY POCKET" and he began to cry.

But it wasn't an untrue statement...

XRotNRollX · 8 months

"she was dead when i got there"

tough neighborhood

Ink184 · 8 months

Not funny but cute, My three years old niece was sleeping over at our house. She can be very hyper at times and that night she was moving around the house faster than M-O from Wall-E.

I decided to be a good uncle, put her on the couch and threatened that if she starts running around again i will take her back to their house. She looks at me, frowns. Starts crying and says: "But you are the ones who brought me here in the first place!". I almost cried, i felt so guilty. Hugged her and we played together until she slept.

SJPadbury · 8 months

When asked if she was Lying, my 4 year old replied:

"I'm not a Lion, I'm a Tiger! Grrr!"

durandal42 · 8 months

"I didn't do it, and I didn't mean to either!"

piiimp · 8 months

My oldest daughter had one of those nighttime accidents after she had been potty-trained for at least a year. My wife asked her why she peed the bed. She swore up and down that she in fact did not pee the bed but that "Dad dumped a cup of water on me". Even months later, when we bring this situation up in a playful manner, she still maintains that I dumped a cup of water on her.

youdneverbelieveit · 8 months

My aunt is a crazy fundie, and her kids were 4 and 6 at the time of this story. They were telling me all about how terrorists were bad people one day (repeating whatever their mother has told them) and I told them I just happened to be a terrorist. They both looked at me, and then looked at each other, and then they jumped me. They kept trying to hit me, and their mom saw it.

She asked them why they were hitting me, and the four year old (who couldn't pronounce R's) screams "HE'S A TEWWOWIST! WE HAD TO PWOTECT AMEWICA LIKE THE AWMY!"

Everyone just looked at her and started busting up laughing. She was so angry from her plot being foiled, and she kept yelling "GET HIM! HE'S A TEWWOWIST!"

bang_Noir · 8 months

My son is two years old. I was making him lunch in the kitchen when this went down.

He was running around, generally just being underfoot and hopping and grabbing on my clothes. Me: You're making daddy miserable Jay, stop it. Him: I'm gonna get my guitar and sing a song about it.

He got distracted in the living room and never came back. I laughed till I shat bricks.

DifferentOpinion1 · 8 months

I trust pretty much every parent in the world has had some version of this conversation:

Dad: "Where did you get that money?"

5-yr-old-son: "A lady gave me a big bag of money. I left the bag, but just took this from it."