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[–]ParkerDevine 66 points67 points ago

How are crayons and people similar? Nobody likes the white ones

[–]JunesongProvision 321 points322 points ago

How many white people does it take to change a light bulb?

Two - one to make martinis and the other to call an electrician.

[–]FriendlyEgoBooster 106 points107 points ago

See, this is the first joke I've read on here that actually feels like it comes from a non-white perspective. That's what I like to see!

[–]blahblahmattblah 15 points16 points ago

Relevant username?

[–]saysseemsthatway 17 points18 points ago

Seems that way.

[–]skynolongerblue 14 points15 points ago

That's a joke I've heard regarding different groups of spoiled girls:

How many JAPs/Plano Girls/Lake Oswego Girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two - one to get a Diet Coke and the other to call Daddy.

[–]LigMantis 5 points6 points ago

Wait... Why do people know about Lake Oswego?

[–]razzbar 49 points50 points ago

How many white people does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one.

I was at a mixed race gathering where people were telling racial jokes, and I told that one. When I delivered the punch line, there was a short silence, where everybody went "what?!" to themselves, then all the white people started nodding in agreement, looking at one another with looks that said "Yeah, I could do that", or "Not a problem for me", or "Yeah, that' about right". Acting like it wasn't a joke at all.

Meanwhile, all the nonwhites were looking at the whites, like "Are you joking? You're proud of that? What is this?" .

Then everybody groaned long and hard.

[–]DotGaming 9 points10 points ago

Can you explain the joke?

[–]gamegyro56 43 points44 points ago

The joke is is that he got all of the white people to be proud of the fact that they can change a lightbulb.

[–]FranklyBlunt 36 points37 points ago

So the joke was white people are overtly proud of their mediocre accomplishments? Yeah, that's about right.

[–]POWERRRRRRRRRRR 4 points5 points ago

No, that's Princeton grads

[–]RedAppIe 401 points402 points ago

What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA

[–][deleted] 218 points219 points ago

What do you call a bunch of old white men buying and trading black kids for their entertainment? The NBA.

[–]RedAppIe 138 points139 points ago

What do you call 200 white men chasing a black man? The PGA tour.

[–][deleted] 142 points143 points ago

You are a couple years late with that joke.

[–]Boolderdash 130 points131 points ago

Tiger Woods' game really went downhill when he stopped cheating.

[–][deleted] 73 points74 points ago

Also, his blackness is pretty questionable. He is more of a Blasian.

[–]K4ylan 209 points210 points ago

He got chosen by the blacks in the Racial Draft.

[–]sufjams 46 points47 points ago

You've got to think about it. He's been discriminated against in his time, he's had death threats, AND he dates a white woman. Sounds like a black guy to me.

[–]revisionist 22 points23 points ago

The Asian delegation chooses.... The Wu Tang Clan!

[–]K4ylan 4 points5 points ago

ODB has changed his name to the Old Dirty Chinese Restaurant.

[–]SantiagoAndDunbar 9 points10 points ago

FER SHIZZLE

[–]criticalhit 19 points20 points ago

colin powell and condi are both white. oj black again. what a day!

[–]leet_onion 14 points15 points ago

I am disappoint that only 7 people (at time of comment) got this joke

[–]concordefallacy 11 points12 points ago

Are you trying to say us Blasians are excluded from black stereotypes?

I am appauled, sir.

[–]captchasarehard 7 points8 points ago

DM;HS (Doesn't matter; had slaves).

[–]hektupon 11 points12 points ago

The supreme court?

[–]PhanOfAndrew 3 points4 points ago

What do you call a bunch of white guys walking around the court? The Canadian basketball team.

[–]WilyDoppelganger 168 points169 points ago

Q: How does a white man know when his wife is dead?

A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

[–]Blumonker 245 points246 points ago

What's white and 10 inches long?

Nothing.

[–]mackdaddy187 160 points161 points ago

A footlong sub on white bread with 2 bites taken out of it.

[–]questionablemoose 22 points23 points ago

Ron Jeremy.

[–]MissusLovett 18 points19 points ago

The size of their appetizers.

Goddamn those portions are gigantic.

[–]Barkingpanther 188 points189 points ago

Black people drive like this. Now white people, they drive like this.

[–]legendary_ironwood 71 points72 points ago

Hahahahaha!!! We're so lame!

[–]very_nice_how_much 11 points12 points ago

Oh God, the clip ended at the worst time. What does Apu do?

[–]loinbread 2 points3 points ago

He puts his hands around Homer's neck and the audience is made to believe Apu is going to choke him, but it's then revealed that it is a fictional traditional method of apology for Indians. Later on they do a song and dance that starts with "when I first arrived you were all such but now I've come to looooove your works."

[–]hitlersshit 2 points3 points ago

He rapes a monkey and poops out a diarrhea

[–]id000001 82 points83 points ago

What do you call two thousands white people under the sea? The titanic.

[–]hektupon 63 points64 points ago

Too soon

[–]donnerpartyof1 12 points13 points ago

Yeah maybe that'll be fair game in another century or so.

[–]pineapple2048 5 points6 points ago

I lol'd.

[–]SteelCity905 180 points181 points ago

What has blue eyes and blond hair? Definitely not Jesus.

[–]crimsonandred88 83 points84 points ago

Thor.

[–]Trundles 36 points37 points ago

Thor is typically described as having red hair. But no one roots for the ginger so now he's blonde.

[–]SanSalvia 18 points19 points ago

What do you call a white grandma? Gram cracker

[–]Aspel 121 points122 points ago

White people jokes? Jersey Shore.

[–]Aerogingh_434 145 points146 points ago

Please, save that joke for the orange people.

[–]TheNev 55 points56 points ago*

Prof. Farnsworth: "Who are those horrible orange people?"

Tour Guide Slug: "Those are the wops from jersey shore"

Prof. Farnsworth: "Tell them I hate them."

link for the reference

[–]sancezz2136 18 points19 points ago

the chinese, who speak mandarin might get offended

[–]Aerogingh_434 12 points13 points ago

As would those poor Oompa Loompas

[–]Banannylle 37 points38 points ago

They're considered people? ಠ_ಠ

[–]jigby61 7 points8 points ago

I consider them monkeys...no wait lower.

[–]Mad_Maudlin 17 points18 points ago

*crouches... Now what?

[–]ral008 7 points8 points ago

Single-celled organisms.

[–]jklol 162 points163 points ago

Knock knock

Who's there?

A white person

Oh, come on in!

[–]qxcvr 78 points79 points ago

what do you call 3 black people being chased by 10,000 white people through Boston...? The Boston Marathon.

[–]mostlysleeping 195 points196 points ago*

Someone feels victimized because of their sexual identity, social status, race, religion and gender. Who is it? Heterosexual rich white christian male.

[–]thezeugmaissilent 43 points44 points ago

Rick Perry

[–]strongoaktree 58 points59 points ago

lol, so true.

especially on reddit.

[–]lenticrow 24 points25 points ago

Speak for yourself, I can't go two DAYS without being falsely accused of rape or sexual harassment by some random woman I don't even know, who's trying to ruin my life. We men are being oppressed by the radical feminazi agenda in America. And don't even get me started on how men are depicted in television - it is truly an outrage. I can't live in a society where everyone assumes I'm as incompetent as Homer Simpson or the dumbass on the Magic Bullet ad.

It's hard being a man.

</sar-fucking-casm>

[–]DIDNT_GET_SARCASM 26 points27 points ago

i don't even know where to begin...

[–]A_Monocle_For_Sauron 4 points5 points ago

< /sar-fucking-casm >

alternatively:

< / /r/MensRights >

[–]mostlysleeping 3 points4 points ago

the dumbass on the Magic Bullet ad... dying.

[–]archangel09 96 points97 points ago

What do you call a white woman with a yeast infection?

A cracker with cheese.

[–]nataconda 32 points33 points ago

[–]docko 17 points18 points ago

I choked on my banana milk just now

[–][deleted] 22 points23 points ago

Tell me more about this banana milk.

[–]thedurka 2 points3 points ago

[–]nataconda 27 points28 points ago

You're not helping.

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points ago

[–]pinkbunnyatemeonce 5 points6 points ago

bad mental picture now. ewwwwww

[–]RequishMonster 94 points95 points ago*

What do white people hate being called more than anything?

A racist.

[–]Alistracious 33 points34 points ago

Hey!

That's racist!

[–]sagapo3851 12 points13 points ago

Oh, uh, I'm sorry officer... I, uh, didn't know I couldn't do that.

[–]hektupon 3 points4 points ago

[–]harveystewart 229 points230 points ago

I love how the "white people jokes" thread is still mostly jokes about black people. Typical reddit.

[–]HarrisonSchmitt 37 points38 points ago

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar...

[–]TheNecromancer 69 points70 points ago

and the barman says, "What is this, some sort of joke?"

[–]Enqespee 36 points37 points ago

I thought it was "And the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability".

[–]0ffGrid 25 points26 points ago

And then all three of them partake in consuming non alcoholic beverages

[–]Mortsedes 28 points29 points ago

Irishman

[–]rob7030 37 points38 points ago

No no the joke is "A Scotsman, Irishman, and a German walk out of a bar."

[–]fuckingcaptcha 18 points19 points ago

I thought it was just "An Irishman walks out of a bar."

[–]rob7030 13 points14 points ago

Technically, but I wanted to be multicultural.

[–]HolyHolyHolyHoly 29 points30 points ago

IMPOSSIBRU!

[–]SteelCity905 18 points19 points ago

the bartender files for bankruptcy.

[–]gkow 8 points9 points ago

... their alcoholism is tearing their families apart.

[–]TrexinF-14 38 points39 points ago

White people can dance.

[–]SidewaysGate 14 points15 points ago

[–]fuckingcaptcha 7 points8 points ago

White people have rhythm.

[–]GregOttawa 2 points3 points ago

LIke Vanilla Ice, for example.

[–]kahawe 3 points4 points ago

White people can dance

Maynard James Keenan

[–]paants 160 points161 points ago

The French.

[–]venuswasaflytrap 12 points13 points ago

http://www.militaryfactory.com/battles/french_military_victories.asp

The french have basically the best military track record of any country for the last 500 years.

[–]paants 2 points3 points ago

And still nobody likes them.

[–]wrc-wolf 28 points29 points ago

[Insert scathing education reply detailing how the French regularly made the rest of Europe her bitch for centuries until she got le tired and quit. Germany's been running to take that #1 MVP trophy ever since and keeps failing epically every time.]

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points ago

Yeah she's been resting for quite a while now. The main French cultural activity these days seems to be setting cars on fire.

[–]MaladeMystique 17 points18 points ago

It's reciprocal

[–]0ffGrid 33 points34 points ago

[–]tmackattak 56 points57 points ago

Not really on topic, but I was recently called "Water" by a hysterical hispanic woman at a bar several weeks ago. I just lol'd because I had no idea how that could be offensive to anyone above the age of 12.

[–][deleted] 178 points179 points ago

she was probably choking to death.

[–]MV93 3 points4 points ago

Agua, agua!

[–][deleted] 34 points35 points ago

How is that offensive?

[–][deleted] 48 points49 points ago

I think the tap water in South America is white.

[–]TheCodexx 38 points39 points ago

What the fuck is wrong with their water?

[–]s0uperd0uper 27 points28 points ago

jizz

[–]loinbread 9 points10 points ago

Whale semen in the ocean accounts for its saltiness.

[–]hideisalive 15 points16 points ago

Shitty pipes can either equal minerals in the water or lots of tiny air bubbles that make the water white.

[–]TheCodexx 7 points8 points ago

I mean, I know white people have a history of really ridiculous racist remarks, but come on. "Your skin tone reminds me of the shitty plumbing and infrastructure where I come from." has to be one of the most pathetically sad things to say to someone.

Guess what, when our water is shitty in America it's often a rusty brown. So I guess hispanics are "water" too. Or, you know, we could drop this whole thing because it's fucking retarded.

If you're going to point out racial distinctions, there's better ways to do it.

[–]RepRap3d 3 points4 points ago

Yup. Had this at my piece of crap elementary school. Something about the drinking fountain made water from it super bubbly, it took a good 5 minutes for it to all settle out if you put it in a cup or something. it was bizarre.

[–]0RedRocket4 27 points28 points ago

Not sure if trolling or not... As a "white boy" who grew up in a predominately Hispanic city and high school, I think what the lady was calling you is "wedo" or "Güero" which said fast may sound like "water".

She was calling you "white boy", a hispanic racial slur to white people similar to white who call blacks "boy". Just a guess.

[–]MeyerWolfsheim 4 points5 points ago

I've never really heard güero used as a pejorative; gringo gets used more often, at least in my experience. Maybe it's a regional thing or maybe the OP looks like Beck.

[–]niggaragua 5 points6 points ago

They also call pale Mexicans that. It always feels like a backhanded joke.

[–]homeyG75 56 points57 points ago

True story:

Some friends and I were playing the "would you rather" game.

One asked "If you had to have a physical deformity when you were born, what would it be?"

I answered "I'd be white."

[–]raskolnikov- 41 points42 points ago

I guess from a biological standpoint it is a mutation. Pretty solid choice, though. I'd pick that, too. Being white is great.

[–]AskMeAboutMyScrotum 25 points26 points ago

This is a thread full of less-offensive-than-usual black people jokes...

[–]DazBlintze 122 points123 points ago

Q. What do you call a white guy surrounded by ten black guys? A. Coach.

[–]mrgibblechip 73 points74 points ago

or the prison warden?

[–][deleted] 63 points64 points ago

That's one white guy surrounded by 500 black guys.

[–]my_bitches_love_me 17 points18 points ago

I've got you tagged as 'Loves BDSM' on Reddit Enhancement Suite and I don't know why.

[–]i-just-cant 25 points26 points ago

[–]1jq512 85 points86 points ago

A black guy, a white guy, a latino and an asian climb to the top of a mountain. The Latino says this is for my people and he jumps of the mountain. The asian says this is for my people and he jumps off. The black guy says this is for my people and he throws the white guy off the mountain.

[–]cha_ron 73 points74 points ago

Why are they jumping off of a mountain for their people?

[–]1jq512 16 points17 points ago

No idea but its the only white person joke I could think of. Some comedian told it at a roast I think

[–]steviemcfly 83 points84 points ago

Even when white people are supposed to be making fun of themselves, they find a way to praise themselves and bash minorities. These are basically the racist joke version of humble brags.

[–]Scriptonaut 52 points53 points ago

Seriously, I'm surprised by the number of butthurt white people in this thread. I'm white and feel like it's about time we get some jokes in our expense.

[–]faceplanted 13 points14 points ago

after doing some looking through forums with target markets of minorities I've found it seems the jokes they might actually tell work in terms most white people don't have a fucking clue how to understand, seriously I spent more time on urban dictionary that I've ever done before, also it's hard to joke about the kinds of things white people have actually done to people and whole populations just because they could or wanted something.

[–]utopiannative 13 points14 points ago

That's hegemony for ya. White is the default, the norm, everything is discussed according to it. It's power lies largely in it's insidious hidden nature

[–]lenticrow 7 points8 points ago

Fuck yeah college! (You're right though, just joshin ya)

[–][deleted] 54 points55 points ago

How can you tell the white people in a Chinese restaurant? They're the ones not sharing the food.

[–]ShuckBeam 45 points46 points ago

They're the white ones.

[–]Kumquat159 10 points11 points ago

I thought this was going to be a joke about forks...

[–]sawman160 19 points20 points ago

they're the ones sitting down

[–]adorne 22 points23 points ago

And splitting the payment.

[–]FranklyBlunt 25 points26 points ago

So today I learned there are no good white jokes, and the only "jokes" are just about how White people are better than other races. :(

[–]Losthunterz 23 points24 points ago

Oh you're white? So you like coldplay?

[–]mostlysleeping 20 points21 points ago

Oh you're white? So you like Nickleback?

[–]Alarming_Allegory 22 points23 points ago

What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Trilingual

What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Bilingual

What do you call someone who speaks one language? A gringo

[–]rawrr69 14 points15 points ago

What do you call someone who insists on speaking only one language? French.

What do you call someone who is too lazy to speak more than one language? British.

[–]cback 5 points6 points ago

I heard that joke before, except with the punchline "An American."

[–]Alarming_Allegory 4 points5 points ago

I first head the joke in Mexico, so American and Gringo are pretty much the same thing.

[–]SteelCity905 40 points41 points ago

What is eye candy and an eye sore at the same time?

A white girl on the dancefloor.

[–]GregOttawa 78 points79 points ago

White people are like Playmobil: made in Europe, permanently affixed with a smug grin, and no fun at all.

[–]JSKlunk 130 points131 points ago

That's a fucking lie. Playmobil is fucking amazing.

[–]hatkid[S] 54 points55 points ago

Much like white people.

[–]fuckingcaptcha 16 points17 points ago

how did you find out about Playmobil and Amazing?!?

[–]unashamedlibertarian 6 points7 points ago

Bullshit. Lego is far better.

[–]weecefwew 4 points5 points ago

It's apples and oranges though honestly. There is not an enormous amount that the two have in common.

[–]DiscoRage 8 points9 points ago

Hi GregOttawa, I'm GregCornwall.

[–]GregOttawa 22 points23 points ago

You stay there. This is my territory.

[–]happybadger 6 points7 points ago

/r/Fortbadgerton recognises the sovereignty of GregOttowa and pledges to defend it with all tools available to it. Further provocation from GregCornwall will be met with force.

[–]DiscoRage 2 points3 points ago

Hey now, I was born in Ottawa! You can keep it, though. I'm more of a Toronto man myself.

[–]arthur_sc_king 6 points7 points ago

I used to live in Canada's Arctic. This joke is THE best white-people joke EVER!

It's a bright summer day in a small mostly-Inuit town in the Arctic. A couple of old Inuit guys are sitting on the steps of the Co-op, not talking, just enjoying the sunshine.

Along comes one of the few white guys in town; new social worker, fresh from Toronto. He sees the old guys sitting on the steps, figures he'll join them. So he nods to them, sits down beside them.

One of the old Inuk guys has to blow his nose. So he leans to the side, plugs one nostril with his finger, and blows his nose into the dirt.

The white guy thinks "Man, that's gross!", and figures it's his job to show these old guys how to do things the civilized way. So he very pointedly takes a handkerchief out of his pocket, kind of staring at these old Inuit. Very pointedly blows his nose into the handkerchief. Very pointedly puts the handkerchief back into his pocket.

The old guy who blew his nose chuckles, turns to his friend, and says (in Inuktitut, so the white guy can't understand) "These qallunaat ... they keep everything!" ("Qallunaat" = "white people")

[–]The_Maddog 22 points23 points ago

My best white person joke? Piers Morgan.

[–]utd87sin 25 points26 points ago

Bill O'reilly

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]A_WILD_ABRA_APPEARED 43 points44 points ago

Shit Tyrone, get it together.

[–][deleted] 21 points22 points ago

What's white and on the dancefloor?

Light.

[–]inthisdesert 29 points30 points ago

something about white people, something about black people being different

Applause

[–]urskittles 12 points13 points ago

My favorite: What are you looking at, Snowflake!?

[–]imafishyfish 14 points15 points ago

I worked at the Boys and Girls Club and I saw the only white girl in the club crying one day. I asked what was wrong and she told me the kids at school were making racist comments about her.

Me: Really? What are they saying?

Her: They're calling me snowflake.

Me: Ha! That's funny. Oh. Um. I wouldn't worry about it.

[–]EvidentEnigma 3 points4 points ago

Hardcore pawn?

[–]Rukus543 36 points37 points ago

What do you call a group of white people running down a hill?
* An avalanche.

[–]JustBones 32 points33 points ago

This is just part of the setup for a joke about black people. ಠ_ಠ

[–]jayjayreddit 11 points12 points ago

shitstorm?

[–]Wakata 7 points8 points ago

I heard it as mudslide

[–]Rob_0831 11 points12 points ago

or mexicans...jail break

[–]winningcards 24 points25 points ago

A Pier One Imports opening?

[–]McPants32 20 points21 points ago

Old Navy christmas sale

[–]ASSperationalHorizon 13 points14 points ago

A $5 off everything in the store sale at Bed Bath & Beyond?

[–]09112001 48 points49 points ago

What's the difference between white and black guys?

Usually about 5 inches, on average.

[–]FriendlyEgoBooster 112 points113 points ago

Yeah, black guys are pretty tall.

[–]venuswasaflytrap 31 points32 points ago

That was friendly

[–]loinbread 15 points16 points ago

A catholic priest, a rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar.

He orders a beer.

[–]g0027717 27 points28 points ago

Best ethnic insult against whites (this from an irate Liberian): "you scraped hog."

[–]AshNazg 40 points41 points ago

I don't get it, but I'll pretend to, so that I feel international.

[–]g0027717 10 points11 points ago

Before hogs are cooked, their skin is scalded and their hair scraped off, leaving a pink carcass. Pretty unflattering, huh?

[–]bohogirl1 6 points7 points ago

white people look like a scraped hog.

[–]AshNazg 7 points8 points ago

I got that part, but being from a suburb in America, I don't know what a scraped hog looks like.

Something tells me you'd hate the shit out of where I live.

edit: I googled it. :c

[–]beforrester2 24 points25 points ago

There are some things you just don't joke about, man.

[–]Crazzy_Ivan 41 points42 points ago

What do white women and tampons have in common? They're both stuck up cunts.

[–]Flapjackdj 18 points19 points ago

The real reddit version of that is just for women in general, obviously. No racial specification necessary.

[–]Djbirfday 5 points6 points ago

Why did the white guy cross the Street?

He wanted that side too!

[–]nucca35 27 points28 points ago

What do you call a white guy with a 8-inch penis?

A myth.

[–]Pam_Beasley 14 points15 points ago

Its not a joke but I went to my Homecoming Dance with a bunch of girls I hung out with (that's right, we didn't have dates) and I was the only white in the group. One of my friends styled my hair into some kind of up-do. As we were walking inside, someone yelled, "Who did that white girls hair?"

[–]robinsoncruso 26 points27 points ago

A white guy walks into a store and grabs a soda. He walks up to the counter and pays for it before leaving.

[–]itook_theredpill 5 points6 points ago

hahahaah its funny because white people steal and don't pay !

[–]utd87sin 11 points12 points ago

I can search google too :)

[–]mosaic4077 2 points3 points ago

What's 14 inches long and white?

Nothing.

[–]barbarismo 0 points1 point ago

what do you call murdering all white people?

Awesome

[–]WhyHellYeah 20 points21 points ago

What do white people do instead of making love? Rule the world.

[–]Choppa4 6 points7 points ago

A white guy and Waka Flaka are sitting next to each other at a bar. Waka tries to engage the the white guy, but the white guy can't understand a word Waka is saying. Waka gets frustrated and storms out of the bar in a rage. The white guy turns to the bartender and says, "En voinut ymmärtää sanaa, mies sanoi. En puhu Englanti!"

[–]jetlags 4 points5 points ago

In Finnish

I couldn't understand a word he said. I don't speak English!

[–]Battlesheep 7 points8 points ago

What do you call a white man who takes stuff from black people? A repoman

[–]KingOfTheMonkeys 6 points7 points ago

White.