Dying grandparent: should (young) kids visit one last time?

Whirledpeas1129 · 7 months

I haven't had to deal with this yet, but I don't think either decision is a bad one. I know I got to see my great-grandma before she died (I was 12). It upset me a little bit to see her lying on the bed in the nursing home, but I was glad I saw her. On the other hand, I didn't want to see her body at the funeral.

I think it's important for your wife to go and to see her dad. You guys can drive up as a family and then decide if just your wife will see him (while you guys stay behind and do something else), or if you all go. Better yet, she can go visit him by herself first and then make the decision if she would like your kids to say goodbye or not.

jezebelunicorn · 7 months

death is a natural part of life. i think it's good for children to see it and understand that it's an inevitable part of living. explain to them it is sad when people die, but sometimes it's for the best so they are no longer in pain. don't shelter children or lie to them is my philosophy.

DevilPliers · 7 months

If the kid seems bothered by it, visiting would probably help him understand what's going on better.

n00dle · 7 months

I had it both ways. I saw my grandfather just before he died of Alhzheimers when I had just turned 4, but I missed seeing my grandmother before she died of a heart attack a year later.

I took my gran's death much worse: because I had seen my grandpa at the end, it made sense to me that he died. He wasn't healthy or happy. Yeah, I was upset, but I didn't need convincing he was gone.

With my gran, I kept insisting the grown-ups had it wrong, that she had been well when I saw her last. It was scary to think that my parents would just poof go like that - so scared I didn't dare express this fear.

I am so sorry you're going through this right now.

Honey_Otter · 7 months

I was the same age as your son when my grandfather died. I did not go to see him one last time. He had been suffering for a long time with cancer and towards the end he was not himself and I wasn't allowed to go see him because he wouldn't have wanted his young grandson's last memory of him to be that of a sick, bedridden old man instead of his normal proud self.

My advice is no. Your wife obviously has many other memories of her father but I really think it sounds like your kid is very sensitive and it might be better to avoid giving him a final memory of his grandfather like that.

panchoshuman · 7 months

Grandchildren are the light of Grandparents' eyes. Do it for him. Death is a part of life your children will confront at some age regardless of their sensitivity. Grief is just another form/expression of love. Give all five of you the gift of enjoying this love one more time before he's gone.

thisisradioclash · 7 months

I would take them. Prepare them for it, though. Explain what's happening, how he will look, how he may act differently, etc. Try to visit at a time when grandpa has the most energy, will be able to talk with them for a few minutes. Have the kids make something to show him; draw a picture, make paper flowers, etc.

My son's grandpa died a couple years ago from cancer; he was not lucid toward the end, seemed mentally to be living in a different time of his life. I took my 8 yr old to see him during a brief lucid period. Well, that didn't last, and he started talking about flying during WWII while my son was there. My son surprised me; he just gave grandpa a big hug and said, "I love you." He was a little upset by seeing grandpa that way, but not overly, and still recognized it was his grandpa there even though he wasn't making much sense. And grandpa's dying made more sense to him, I think.

On the flip side, when his grandpa did have lucid points after that, he talked about how my son had come to visit...it really was a huge deal to him.

radonchong · 7 months

You should go, for them and for him. Staying away is going to scare your son worse than going, in the same way monsters in movies are scarier when you don't see them. Let them say goodbye.

5at27 · 7 months

I still remember the last time I saw my grandmother who died of cancer when I was 4. It is one of my first memories and i am glad that I have it.

notwearingahat · 7 months

It's not like their last memory of their grandfather will be their ONLY memory. They will still remember the berry picking etc. My grandmother died when I was 4 and I really only have a split-second memory of standing at her hospital bedside shortly before she died. I remember lots of good times from before that.

Chouette4u · 7 months

I wouldn't, especially with your son and his issues. I don't think your kids would gain anything by seeing him now, and the only reason to go would be for your wife. Is there any way that she can take a trip to see him without you and the kids?

vsan · 7 months

I was 7 or 8 when my grandfather went to the hospital for the last time. Dad and I would visit him weekly in the nursing home (so I know the situation's a little different for your kids, having known grandpa when he was a bit more healthy) and every once in a while he'd get sent to the hospital, no big deal. He went into respiratory arrest near the end of our visit and my dad had to call the nurses, who rushed in to try to resuscitate him -- it didn't work. He died that night.

I will never, ever forget that and I remember being crushed -- not because my grandfather passed away, but because I never got the chance to say a proper goodbye. Please try to prepare your kids as best you can, but I would suggest you do take them so they have the opportunity to say goodbye in whatever way they'd like.

apocalypsemieow · 7 months

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