Breaking up with GF of 6 years who's pregnant. Small chance the child is not mine.

AyeAyeCaptain · 4 months

Tell her when she comes home today or tomorrow. She knows something is up, so biting the bullet 4-5 more months isn't going to work. Tell her you know she has been unfaithful (just like that: "I know you've cheated on me with at least 6 other guys and as recently as 5 months ago") and you can no longer continue on in the relationship. I'm sure she'll have something to say, so be prepared for tears, begging, and anger. Stick to your guns and if needed, reiterate you can't be with her anymore.

Let her know you want a paternity test done as soon as possible as that will determine how you handle some issues. Since you want to stay and help her settle no matter what, communicate that to her as well. This is something you can continue to discuss now or mention that you'll both need time to think about the logistics and talk about it in a day or so.

You might want to have a place to stay tonight if you think you'll want some space. Or maybe a buddy you can talk with after breaking it off with your GF. This totally sucks and I'm sorry for your pain. Be strong and good luck.

edit: dun goofed with the BF/GF

mouth55 · 4 months

Get a paternity test.

I dont know what your state laws are so I will only say this..

DO NOT SIGN SHIT THAT DEALS WITH THE BABY UNTIL YOU KNOW FOR SURE THAT IT IS YOURS.

Overlord1317 · 4 months

Attorney here. This ain't legal advice.

1.)What state do you live in? In California, you may have rights under palimony laws or as a putative spouse. Complicated situation you need to consult an attorney about.

2.)You need to get going on custody issues. She may vanish with the child, she may forbid you access absent a court order, etc. Assuming you want a relationship with the child, might as well start working on it now.

3.)Your rights as a father have nothing to do with your being with her, except (of course) that your custody is going to be limited by whatever court order comes along or whatever your arrangement is with the mother.

corporatehuman · 4 months

Wow that's a confusing situation, so I see why you are rambling. I think the first thing is to encourage her to get a test to see if the baby is yours? That really changes everything and I don't see how you can make decisions until that is known.

Aeras4109 · 4 months

First and foremost, do not apologize for "rambling". You're freaked out and wanting help. It's completely understandable. As for the baby, you definitely need to get a paternity test BEFORE the baby is born. Like people said, don't sign shit. Now, even if the baby is in fact yours, aside from disappearing with the baby, I don't think she'd be able cut you out of the babies life if you wanted to be in it. I would think she'd have to get full custody of the child first. But this is something you need to talk to her about very soon. If the baby isn't yours, you have no obligation to stay.

Basically though, you need to tell her that the two of you can't work anymore. 6 years together and she betrayed your trust and disrespected you. Trust and respect are part of the foundation for couples. And it's possible you may have to move back home (parents maybe? friends?), unless you can find a job and a place to live cheap. To answer a question; should you wait until the baby is born to end things?: No, no, NO! Prolonging the end will only complicate things and make them more painful in the end. Not sure what else to say, but good luck.

PurpleTime · 4 months

Do you know for sure that she cheated? I mean absolutely certain. Cover all of your bases before doing anything at all. You could end up not getting to see the baby at all if you piss her off (pregnant women are crazy).

If you know for sure, tell her ASAP. Just make sure it's a mature conversation, at least on your part. Calmly explain what you know and that you will not remain in the relationship any more. Normally youd have every right to yell, scream, anything, but if that baby is yours an you want to be in it's life at all, try not to get her that angry. I know it isn't fair and if the cheating is true she deserves plenty of yelling coming her way, but think about the kind of relationship you want with that child.

geek_in_a_suit · 4 months

From your post, you seem like a very understanding and accommodating guy. Don't take this the wrong way but being that particular type of nice guy right now is going to hurt you in this situation. So lets say you stick it out until you guys move, then stick it out until the baby is born, then wait until maternity is over for her, then wait until she gets a baby sitter... It won't end man. There will always be a reason for you to stay. You need to do what is best for you. If your gut and logic is telling you to leave. You need to grab your balls and do it. Pull that bandaid off quickly and move on.

i agree with what whycomeugotnotattoo said. Make sure you do not accept responsibility for anything until you know the baby is yours. Goodluck.

junegloom · 4 months

How did you find out about all these affairs at once?

JustAnAvgJoe · 4 months

you can establish paternity before the child is born.

pewpew123 · 4 months

I just wanted to say good luck man. That shit's fucked up for sure. You don't have to answer but if you want to answer that's cool, I'd like to know out of curiosity how'd you find out about her 6 "affairs"? Good luck man and my only piece of advice would be don't take any major decisions when you're angry.

sasarahmichelle · 4 months

I honestly don't know how you go about this breakup. My best advice is to try to do it calmly and as reasonably as you can. If this child is yours, you need to remember throughout every future interaction with her that your behavior could potentially be used against you in court. Gather information about what is happening and what you know. If you want partial custody, keep that from being vindictive. As far as your rights, you should seek council. I don't know where you live, and that is the main factor. Find an attorney in family law and get started on protecting your rights. Because you're not married you will quite possibly have to get all that established through the court. It can take time start it now. This kind of thing can get very ugly and bring out the worst in people (fighting over children in court), so try to let your behavior toward this woman be motivated by your child's well-being over your justified pain. It will not make anything any easier to hold on to resentment and make her suffer. If you're set on breaking up, a clean and civil break will make your life so much easier and less painful once the baby is born and you have to see her every week to hand off the child.

Edit: Also, I'm really sorry that you're in this situation. I was cheated on and broken up with when I got pregnant and it fucking sucks. But it gets better, especially once you're able to forgive and move on. This isn't a normal breakup, so holding on to grudges can be suffocating. Good luck to you.

Vespite · 4 months

Does she have parents? You can put all of this in their hands, since having her settle and whatnot is not your responsibility. Definitely go for getting a pat test first and foremost. If she doesn't want to, just get her to understand your reasons and leave to go live with your parents for a while. With no Pat test, she can't do anything legal to you. I would get it in writing/recording somehow that you requested the test so that if she nails you with abandonment (if the child turns out to be your's) you can prove to the judge that it was her who wasn't cooperating, not you.

smacksaw · 4 months

Watch this short clip so you'll know where I'm coming from:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AAP7zORyWA

If you stay, you're accepting cuckold training. She isn't marriage material. Maybe someday she might be, but not now.

Even if it's your kid, this isn't the kind of woman you want to be moving forward with. The last thing you want is extra complication in your life. She can't control herself and having a kid will make her more desperate, not settle her down.

joshtempte · 4 months

I feel really sad for you. I can't begin to figure out how to offer advice but wanted you to know that I wish you the best of luck. Just remember, everything will work out.

lunahlove · 4 months

Out of curiosity, assuming you find out the child is yours, how involved do you want to bein his life? Would you try to get joint custody, visitation rights, anything?

Kozbot · 4 months

definitely get a paternity test. Don't do the right thing and support the child if its not yours. Burden her with her mistake and laugh as she wallows in despair.

Readmynameandchillax · 4 months

Hey man, really sorry to hear about what she has done to you. You've got to be in a lot of pain right now. There's a lot of advice on here to take in, some good, some not so good, I'll have to leave it to you to figure out what's best for you. You seem like a really good guy, and she's obviously been taking advantage of that for years. Sorry to be blunt but she doesn't respect you at all. You need to get out now. If you wait the whole situation will become intolerable for both of you. Just lay out the facts to her at the earliest opportunity and tell her it's over. If the baby is yours you want to be a father to it. If not, then you're gone. Don't leave even the merest sliver of a chance that you might be able to get over it. You're done. The sooner she accepts that the better for everyone. She's going to be very upset, cheats usual stoop to emotional blackmail as a default position, and then she's going to try to put the blame on you. Stay calm and resolute. You might want to approach her parents and let them know it's over. If you want to go into details with them it's up to you. But do it soon. And the very best of luck to you.

lovewillmove · 4 months

Stay strong my friend. I can tell from your words that you are a genuinely good person, I believe you are on the right track and know what steps need to be taken. Don't let her hurt you anymore, and if the baby does turn out to be yours, have you you thought about trying to fight for sole custody?

Keshyngul · 4 months

1) Break up with her. Tell her you know about her multiple affairs, don't get drawn into petty unrelated issues in the inevtiable fighting. Whether or not the child is yours, your SO has shown they are not some one you should be with.

2) Don't sign a single thing until the paternity test. If the kid is not yours, grab your shit and walk away. If the kid is yours, be a good father despite your SO's actions.

InfallibleBiship · 4 months

You're going to have to get the courage to do it. Don't take too long, it's got to be killing you. You really should end things before the baby is born, anyway. As it is, you're leaving your girlfriend. If you leave after the baby is born, you're leaving your girlfriend and your child. Besides, if you're there when the baby's born, they'll put your name down as the father. See a lawyer about the parental rights issue. Expect her to try to get child support, even if you're not working.

aresef · 4 months

Call Maury Povich?

photogc · 4 months

This will be buried but I hope by chance you stumble upon this and know that you should totally record the conversation when you confront her. It may be the only proof you have when she confesses and apologizes that is solid evidence. It may become helpful later on to settle out of court in any legal matters that may come up.

Especially if they try to spin it as if you just ran off.

friskynarwhal · 4 months

Do you know about how she would react to you finding out? Would she snap?

It seems like the best idea, emotionally and legally, would be to approach her ASAP and let her know that you know about the cheating and will can no longer be in a relationship with her. After getting that out in the open, it seems like you can get a feel for how everything will need to be handled. Obviously you'll want some real legal advice and documentation, but it seems like you can get a better plan in motion after you know how much of a fight or non-fight she'll be putting up.

Have you thought about living with her until she's able to have the child or is that just not going to be a possibility? You said her mom lives fairly close, would you be able to get any kind of support from her?

devioustrevor · 4 months

If I was in this situation, I'd just leave. They're not married and then onus will be on her to prove OP in the father. He mentioned moving back in with his parents, so she should know how to get into contact with him. When he talks with her, he just needs to tell her to get into contact with the men she's been whoring around with. If none of them are the father then he'd return long enough for a paternity test.

If the child is his, he can always move back to be closer.

There is a risk this way I concede. If he does it this way, and she knows he found out about the affairs, there is always the chance that even if the child is his she'd never let him know.

One of my aunts had a baby with a man she was in a failing relationship with. When she found out she was pregnant, she didn't tell him and told him she hasn't been happy for awhile and has been cheating on him. This caused him to leave, when he did she moved three counties away. That may not sound like much, but the part of Canada I live in most of the nearby counties are bigger than the state of Rhode Island, so it is quite the distance. She had the child and to this day I don't think the father knows.

Bobsutan · 4 months

PATERNITY TEST!!!!

If you have even an inkling it's not yours the odds are there's about a 30% chance it's not. Before you sign anything, get that damn test!

[deleted] · 4 months

something that has helped me in a tough paternity situation is to keep in mind that her emotional state today is not the one she will always have. i've learned to confront her when needed and then let the storm blow itself out. we will be in each other's lives for the rest of our lives even though we are not in a Relationship. we have plenty of time for some ups and downs.

if the baby is yours and you want to do your part she won't cut you out of her life. trust me, raising a child alone is scary and beyond taxing. if you are the father and willing to help she will absolutely want you in her corner no matter what she says now.

prenatal paternity test options are available...

idowatyousay · 4 months

Have you considered not breaking up with her? Just confronting her about it, and seeing if there's any way you guys can move forward together? It could avoid so much pain and expense in the future. It has its own price of course, in that it would take a lot of effort on both of your parts. I just want to make sure you consider this as an option - I don't want you to assume you must break up with her, only to really regret it a year later.

spinda_bear · 4 months

since you arent married yet, the baby isnt yours. and since she already had multiple affairs, fucking 6 for fucks sake, here is what you do:

pretend everything is fine till she is delivering the baby, but dont sign anything. when she is pushing the baby out, display all your proof to her at once, and tell her you have known the whole time. then turn around, put some really nice sunglasses on, do the maury "you are not the father" dance, and walk out like a boss, jumping in the air with a fist like the breakfast club ending.

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