Is being poly more important than being married?

TequilaDoughnut · 5 months

I have always felt that he just naturally eased into the transition to being poly, and I have to "work" at it. To accept it as how we are. It's not at all that I don't want that...and in fact I was the one between the two of us that suggested we even explore it in the first place.

He had much more experience sexually than I did, and had been a kinkster for a while (I do very much love this about him and don't want to discourage it, but want to accept it more fully IRL instead of just as a fantasy we share in our minds)...on the contrary, he was the third man I'd ever been with. I had never even given or received oral sex before meeting him.

I'm bisexual and always have been (I'm naturally more attracted to women than men...but have often only had sexual relationships with women) and I had lots of anxiety for a while about how I was going to choose a gender to "settle down" with, and get everything I need from one sex or the other...even though that had always been impossible for me. I knew that was "the way relationships worked".

Being poly does offer a lot to me also, so I would be giving up a lot to say I'd want to be mono again also, and that isn't what I want. But I do want to feel a safety net, or to at least be able to tell myself one could be there if I needed it. That's not what I'm feeling with those words up there.

We did meet and begin our relationship closed, so this is a case of deciding to open after a time, and us both sharing very deep feelings of being exclusive and only providing each other with what we both needed, even as we were deciding to get married. For him to simply say, "You've chosen to explore a lifestyle with me and now I'm hooked...I'm doing it this way with or without you now." does seem a bit harsh and selfish to me as well, just in a different vein.

TequilaDoughnut · 5 months

I know that I do have a lot of insecurities to manage and feel my way through, and being uncomfortable in a lot of moments forces me to do that work...but I want to be able to know there is a time when I can say I can't be pushed or forced any further, and my limit is reached. I need to feel I have that safety net and right now, I don't.

When I see my husband do things with other women that he doesn't do much with me, even when things are going well and he has the opportunity, and when I also do my part to encourage him (flirting is a good example of this - I very much miss doing it with him in exactly the fashion he does with other women...namely the one we're working on seeing together now) ...I strive to be open and accepting and it seems he's still isn't interested in it sharing some of these things with me anymore.

I saw this said elsewhere on Reddit just yesterday, and it struck a chord with me:

Every guy who's been in a long term relationship has dealt with this. Girls can seems irresistible when the mystery is still strong, and the novelty is there. When compared to a girl you've known for 6 years it's impossible to not be distracted.

I can't help but feel like I'm that girl...who has lost the mystery on top of having an albatross like anxiety and insecurity hanging around my neck.

These are the thoughts that run through my head when these emotions scare me the most and seem hardest to overcome.

TequilaDoughnut · 5 months

I'll try my best....thank you so much for everything..

TequilaDoughnut · 5 months

because it sounds like she doesn't trust others (or herself) much

I don't trust myself to not have emotional outburst when I hurt like I do in dealing with this...because it has always controlled me and I've never come as close as I am now in getting out from under it. It overwhelms me and while I have succeeded at times, I've failed a lot more...

I try to control it...it's such an urgent, scary impulse like I can't even describe. Thank you for the suggestions..

TequilaDoughnut · 5 months

He may have had people in his past try to control his actions through emotional manipulation

This is true...with his only other long term relationship...his ex intentionally tried to control him with her emotions, so it automatically throws up a red flag in his mind against me. The difference is...I don't revel in these emotions or use them to my advantage...I desperately am trying to escape them, but I can't get away from myself just yet.

Remember, we are what we choose to be.

I try to tell myself this everyday, before and after I meditate. That's why I feel so discouraged and desperate now...why is it so hard to just want what I want and to have it? Why does that fear fight so hard to stay with me?

TequilaDoughnut · 5 months

If my wife finds that she can't be poly then so be it, but she will have to figure out how to deal with the fact that I am this way if she wants to be with me. I am not going to leave her, but I also can't have her resent me over something that I have not for one second hid from her.

That's a downright terrifying statement...

TequilaDoughnut · 5 months

I really thank you for writing all this...I know it's a novel but every word was needed.

It might be a matter of "I won't kiss her forehead because that holds special significance for you and I." Finding things that are special between the two of you, I think, is really important. Things she can savor as just between you two, and when you do it to her, she knows it's something you don't do for others, or not in the same capacity.

This is significant to me, and I've tried explaining this to him. When he kisses me, he often touches my face in a very tender way. No one else ever has done this with me, and it was something very intimate and exclusive to us (I felt)...a very loving gesture. I've asked him not to do it with others...and just this weekend he did it when he kissed the GF, right in front of me. He's told me in the past that he won't stop kissing women like that, because that's just how he expresses himself, and I should understand that when he does it with me, it means something different that is just between us...that is hard for me to wrap my mind around but in an effort to not make him feel "controlled" when I make requests like that, I've said nothing else about it.

I could comment on every aspect of what you wrote...it resonates with me so much. I'd really like to hear what coping mechanisms you mean...and your reference to that. I feel one of my biggest issues at this point is that I've developed some very gnarly and self-destructive coping mechanisms that are damaging things all around us. I used to have to defy reality in my head to make it through my teenage years, and my other relationships (only two others), so it's hard to break that now.

I do want to accept responsibility for these things...but I do feel he has some of his own issues that don't help matters either, but I can't say because "I'm the bad one"...I'm the one who has pushed us and brought things to this point, so the burden is that much heavier, and solely on me (this is how I feel and I have told him this) and then you said it as well.

I might be more monoflexible than poly...I don't know right now. I just know when I feel that particular kind of pain and fear, and I start comparing myself and always see myself fall short...I lose my control of myself (and then I really do fall short, especially in his eyes) and I'll do anything not to feel those hurtful, overwhelming emotions anymore. I try to show myself compassion and to be kind and to forgive myself when I fail...but I have only just learned these things. I've only just started to learn how to deal with these things strictly BECAUSE of the help my husband has offered and shown me...because he has been there for me. Now that I've finally gotten to where I can fight a good fight, my main solid rock of support (him) is all used up.

The difficulty is now...I have a start of a foothold, but did I get the foothold too late?

TequilaDoughnut · 5 months

First off, thank you so much for taking time to chime in here...every little part helps.

Full disclosure - my insecurities and jealousy/fear began in childhood (I grew up in a very poor, very stressful and unloving family environment...I'm actually mostly estranged from my small family now, have been for a while, I really only talk occasionally to my dad and his GF) so all I know is "starvation economics" (that there is only so much love and affection to go around, so I have to fight for what I need or I won't get it).

To compound that, I was kidnapped and sexually and physically abused over the span of a year/10 months when I was 14 and 15 years old. I've been diagnosed with with PTSD though it may actually be C-PTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder), so that worsens the bad base I already had to start from.

You should really speak to a counselor about it, but don't expect the counselor (or your husband or medication) to fix the things inside your brain- only you can do that.

This I have learned only in the last year, or less. I know the truth of it now, but...the scary thing is...I've already "used up" my husband's empathy and sympathy from when I was flailing wildly and blindly. I was acting the same way with him as I had in my other relationships, because I didn't know what I know now. No one ever wanted to waste time teaching me how to manage...it was always "take this pill and forget about it". My husband now is the first person to ever want to help me make this effort. The thing that terrifies me the most is I feel I just now started a battle where I can fight and make real progress...when it feels like "too little, too late". Does that make sense?

Fixing internal issues is hard, but you can do it. We believe in you (seriously, there are a lot of people offering advice and support here), but you need to believe in you, too. Be patient. Trust your husband's judgment (he married you for a reason, after all). You can do it!

This brought tears to my eyes, and I'm at work. Thank you so much for saying this. You have no idea how much it helps, even coming from a stranger.

TequilaDoughnut · 5 months

I would like to say that he seems to interpret my fear as trying to control him. When I am crying, "Please don't, I'm not ready, I'm struggling, I don't know how to make this work in my head!" to him it = "she's trying to tell me what I can and can't do, and no one does that to me."

I have never, ever want to control him...all I want more than anything in the world is to not let my fears I've built up over all this time and tried to battle with maladjusted strategies to hurt me, because of what he wants. I want to not only not be afraid of his desires, but to be happy for him and share with him in that.

TequilaDoughnut · 5 months

I do think this is good advice and I hope we can find someone in our price range who can really help us communicate better.

TequilaDoughnut · 5 months

It never gets old to poke fun at the natives... :( Maybe that's why most of us have moved away by now..

TequilaDoughnut · 5 months

Please do (PM)

TequilaDoughnut · 5 months

I just suggested it yesterday, but he hasn't responded. He seems to be mentally and physically exhausted and isn't giving me many options to make things better...

TequilaDoughnut · 5 months

I agree with a lot of what you've said...it's along the same mindset that my husband had when he said "no" to a break. I understand it's a lot to ask and that's why I haven't pursued it further.

We are the only fluid bonded relationship as well, and we're picky about that. We've never used condoms together and we want to keep it that way.

I have a lot of trouble showing trust because I've never really felt it much with anyone (including family) before. I know I trust him but putting those thoughts into actions in a scary moment can be almost more than I can do.

I have tried to have more sex with him but at this point he rejects me mostly because of the emotional crap we're dealing with, because of my insecurities. If I could go back and take things slowly to do them right, I would...but I'm afraid now of having fucked up out of sheer confusion in the past to the point of making rebuilding either very difficult, or not possible :(

Thanks for your advice and good wishes.

TequilaDoughnut · 5 months

He's dating around, is what that means. One pretty serious interest and others are just casual. They are not other serious emotional relationships.

So...you are saying if you were dating others and your wife was struggling with that, even though she wanted it, and wasn't asking to end a poly lifestyle but rather discuss a break openly with everyone...you would leave or divorce your wife for asking that of you?

For the record, I'm not "insisting" he does, I asked him what he thought about it, and since he said he didn't think it would help anything, I haven't asked him further.

TequilaDoughnut · 5 months

We had felt out the idea of getting two separate places some time ago...but circumstances dictated we try to buy a house. I feel like space like that would help, but can't be sure and the financial burden might be too much for us.

I feel choked and trapped by him, like his emotional dependence on me is too heavy to carry, while he feels unwanted yet dependent and weak. We're both "bad guys" in a way, but blame is a useless concept.

This probably exactly describes the dynamic for him, I'm sure. He feels he's given so much to me over time for emotional support, it's almost like now we have to start over and I have to re-learn to support myself emotionally (actually, I've never known how to, and now am trying to learn it in the middle of a marriage).

Thanks for the words...I hope all of this will help me find a more clear path...I'm not at all ready to give up but I don't want to screw things up to the point that it won't matter if I don't want to give up or not...that he'll just say it's done and there is no more trying :(

TequilaDoughnut · 5 months

It does feel like we have no agreements or boundaries right now...and that is scary. I know he loves me and I know I mean the world to him...so then confusion sets in in my brain as to why I still feel so scared. He's burned out on my emotional issues and seems to want to "recharge" himself with others because it's easier.

I know the issues run deeper than being open, and we've both known this for a long time...the problem is, I feel I could more easily overcome my problems if I didn't have being poly screaming at me in my face daily. It's the first thing I think about when I get up in the morning, and the last thing on my mind before I go to bed. The only times I've truly felt safe and happy in a while is when it's just us and there haven't been any other distractions of other people.

TequilaDoughnut · 5 months

You are right, and it is more deep-rooted than him just seeing other people...but I've been throwing myself into improving (practicing mediation, hobbies, therapy, exercise, making friends) so my anxiety and insecurity don't control me...but I seem to lose the battle every time :/

I don't blame him either for not wanting to abandon them, but it's starting to feel like being poly and the ideas around it are more important to him than what we've spent these last few years trying to build and our marriage. I don't want to be selfish or unfair, but I also don't know what seems to healthy or not at this point, and no one I know personally is open as well to give advice. I don't want to hurt him or myself...so I'm trying to find a balance.

pumpkinbutter · 5 months

Trying reading this blog entry, by Franklin Veaux...it can be really helpful when it comes to managing jealousy.

We all deal with these issues at some time or another...anyone who says they don't isn't being completely honest with you.

I'm eyeballs deep in it myself right now...hoping to see some light at the end of the tunnel soon, so sorry I can't offer more.

I wish you all the best.

TequilaDoughnut · 8 months

Seconded.

thereal_mytwocents · 1 year

Man? He's a seahorse!

TequilaDoughnut

TROPHY CASE

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