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Dating for 'Nice Guys' - Part 1

Apr 12

"Safe" guys vs. "Unsafe" guys.

Please, if you're the type of guy who's like, "All girls just want to date assholes. Nice guys always finish last. Girls are bitches," then don't read this. It's not going to help. It might be helpful if you're actually a nice guy and don't just think you are one. Because actual nice guys don't think like that.

"Be confident. Women are attracted to guys who have confidence."

What does that actually mean? I keep hearing this and it's not very specific or informative. Confidence. There are so many ways this can be interpreted. You could be an amazing guitar player, excellent at killing zombies online, have a PhD and numerous publications, or be the best damn cook you know. In these cases, you're probably very confident at what you do. But these skills do not necessarily equate to being able to attract girls. Confidence in dating is something different, and there are certain traits that convey this confidence. I'll try to explain...

I believe there are two types of guys, "safe" guys and "unsafe" guys. When I say "unsafe," I don't mean guys who are violent, psychopathic, or have unprotected sex. It's a type of personality. I can usually tell within a few hours of meeting a guy, any random guy, if he's "safe" or "unsafe". Characteristics of "safe" - predictable, caring, very nice guys who you know will drop everything to be with you, eager to please, very sweet. The type of guy you'd want to have a family with - good father, dependable, doesn't cheat, etc. The type of guy who often ends up in the friend zone. Don't fret if you are one of these guys. In fact, I hope you ARE one of these guys. You'll make a girl very happy one day. But how to find this girl? How do you get to the stage where a girl you're interested in becomes interested in you? This is stage 1 of the relationship. You're not going to be able to show the girl how awesome you are if she doesn't give you a chance. I'll talk more about this later.

Let's move on to characteristics of "unsafe". I'm going to summarize it as an "I don't give a fuck" attitude. It's about being your own person. Not being needy, being independent, being self-assured, making your own decisions, and not caring so much about what other people think about you. Someone who doesn't need a lot of validation from others. All that is what I think "confidence" really means. Are you the type of person who tells a joke, then looks around to see if anyone laughs? That's needing validation. Not giving a fuck is telling a joke and being chill about it if no one laughs.

A lot of guys who fall into the "unsafe" category are emotionally unavailable. They can be selfish, don't want to give as much as they take, and may treat girls poorly. Yet they seem to have an easier time attracting them. I think what many girls really want is both. They want a combination of safe and unsafe. They WANT to be attracted to these nice guys who they know will treat them like a queen, but they just aren't. Attraction can't be forced, and I'm not talking about how you look. It's that confidence/unsafe shit. If they don't feel it, they don't feel it. So maybe having "unsafe" characteristics will get the attraction started, and having "safe" characteristics will keep the relationship going. Guys, don't be a dick. I'm pretty sure I'm not conveying this very well right now, but do not treat women poorly. Borrowing/displaying "unsafe" characteristics (being your own person, not being needy, being independent, being self-assured, making your own decisions, and not caring so much about what other people think about you) without being a true asshole is what will get you the girl.

Here's an example of what I'm trying to say. Sometimes a guy doesn't even need to talk to convey whether they are "safe" or "unsafe". A few years ago, I was at this concert. The band was kind of famous in the 90s with the college crowd. While the lead singer was jumping around, engaging with the audience, I could not take my eyes off the lead guitarist the entire time. He's totally not my type at all, but he really had the "I don't give a fuck" thing going on. While the lead singer was bouncing around, this guy was just mellowing out, playing his guitar like there was no one else there watching. Very understated and nonchalant. Didn't need validation. At the end of the day, the better looking lead singer with all the charm and charisma probably has a higher probability of having sex with the groupies (if he's into that). But the understated guy is probably getting laid too, without doing much at all. I don't know how easy it is to be charming and funny like the hot lead singer, but being like the understated guitarist is very doable and can be "learned".

I don't have time to write much more now, and give specific examples, but I wanted to add this. There's this erotic fiction book I'm reading right now, called "50 Shades of Grey", and it's been dubbed "mommy porn" by the media. It's selling really well, especially for a dirty novel. I read a lot of reviews about this book and thought I wouldn't like it much, but decided to read the first few chapters free on Amazon, got sucked in, then bought it. It's better than I thought, and I can totally see why women are eating it up. The main male character is a good example of "safe" and "unsafe". He's a controlling asshole a lot of the time, but he really cares about the girl and he's not scared to show it. There are a lot of other characters in the book who have an interest in the main female character too, but they are too "safe" and she is not reciprocating the interest. If you want some examples of "safe" and "unsafe" read some of the book.

I'll do a part 2 on this topic at some point in time with more examples and specifics. Feel free to comment or message me if you have questions about any of this.