Bad First Date Advice

khdutton · 2012-05-24T20:10:36.410181+00:00

I mean you don't mind if your friend or boyfriend stares at you, right?

I'm going to preface this with the fact that I've grown up in the US.

Actually yes I do mind if my friend or SO stares at me. In fact, I mind even more when it's a friend or someone I know who's just staring. It's incredibly rude and your friends and SO shouldn't be rude to you. Staring gives the impression that you're being examined no matter what the context is. The vast majority of people become uncomfortable when scrutinized to that degree. It's almost always weird, regardless of if the person has an "I want to hurt you," stare or an "I like how you look," stare.

When you're having a conversation with someone it's customary to look them in the eyes or face. You don't have to keep your eyes on their face 100% of the time, but focusing on another body part for any significant amount of time in a conversation isn't generally socially acceptable. People tend to use a lot of body language to reinforce the things they're saying so it's not seen as a bad thing to glance at other body parts while talking. If you're staring though it's taken as an indication that you're not really paying attention to what the person is saying, which again, is why it's considered to be disrespectful. In your example, no you can't literally talk to someone's breasts and expect and audible reply, but you certainly can direct all of your attention there and talk at them.

TAWP · 2012-05-24T17:03:12.759271+00:00

As for the cooking part: In addition to watching the videos RockLogmann suggested, pick yourself up a copy of "The Joy of Cooking." It not only gives you recipes but it gives you instruction on every technique that is referenced in the recipes.

5minuteconsult · 1 day

At least for me, I know that the guy talking to me is probably not going to be a dick. I be as nice and polite as I can be, I focus on projecting that I'm at ease because I don't want to make a genuinely nice person feel bad. That does not mean however that I am not focusing on how close you are to me, of who's around me who could help me, of where I can run if things start to go badly. I've had men go from very nice to scary in the blink of an eye so it's just something that you're mindful of.

Reverserer · 1 day

Read some of the comments in /r/seduction and /r/pickup. That kind of attitude is exactly what the hell she's talking about in her post.

When I was 13 I was followed by a guy in one of those vans with no windows. I was wearing jeans and a guys loose fitting men's t-shirt. He wanted to give me a ride and was eying me up and down. It scared the crap out of me.

When I was 16 I had a guy follow me for a mile on foot because he wanted to give me his number.

When I was 18 I was working in a Harley dealership. I actually had a guy come up and kiss me. Who fucking does that? Working there I learned to tactfully brush off the comments and the leering, but it still bothered me, and always threw up red flags to make me cautious.

I can't count the times I've had some drunk asshole at a bar think that it's appropriate to touch me while he's talking to me. And it's never like a hand on my arm or something. I've had people come up to me and grab me by the hips and pull me toward them. I've had people come up behind me and do the same thing. It's disgusting.

The guys who drive past you slowly in their cars I think are the ones who freak me out the most though. I have to use every ounce of control not to just bolt out of there.

samhuiss99 · 1 day

Section 750.520b of the Michigan Penal Code:

(f) The actor causes personal injury to the victim and force or coercion is used to accomplish sexual penetration. Force or coercion includes, but is not limited to, any of the following circumstances:

(i) When the actor overcomes the victim through the actual application of physical force or physical violence.

(ii) When the actor coerces the victim to submit by threatening to use force or violence on the victim, and the victim believes that the actor has the present ability to execute these threats.

(iii) When the actor coerces the victim to submit by threatening to retaliate in the future against the victim, or any other person, and the victim believes that the actor has the ability to execute this threat. As used in this subdivision, "to retaliate" includes threats of physical punishment, kidnapping, or extortion.

(iv) When the actor engages in the medical treatment or examination of the victim in a manner or for purposes that are medically recognized as unethical or unacceptable.

(v) When the actor, through concealment or by the element of surprise, is able to overcome the victim.

Emphasis mine. What you're doing fits the definition of coercion. It also fits the definition of emotional abuse. We're not religious nutters here, we simply don't think that manipulating someone into doing something against their will is a good thing.

samhuiss99 · 2 days

No, actually you manipulating her emotions so that she'll do this for you is forcing her. It's called coercion and it's why it's apart of most rape laws.

NoLuck09 · 2 days

That fewer than 1 in 100 equates out to 1 in 1,000 women who use the pill for a year getting knocked up with perfect use. Which is why it is 99% effective, not 100%.

NoLuck09 · 2 days

On top of the possible medical complications that can come with an abortion.

Lanlost · 3 days

You sound a lot like my ex, he was into different substances though. A month after we broke up I wanted nothing to do with him. I would have thrown away or burned everything he sent me. We were together for almost 7 years. Everytime he contacted me it was emotionally draining. I kept beging dragged back into his crap. Being friends just did not work, there was too much hurt that couldn't be overcome. If she really wants to hear from you shell contact you. Don't hold your breath though, its been three years since I last spoke with mt ex.

Some bridges can never be fixed.

NoLuck09 · 3 days

You keep saying what you think she's thinking. Freaking talk to her dude, and actually find out her reasoning for all of this. Stop freaking out, the wheels are in motion and there's nothing you can do to stop it now. Maybe her family is going to help her, maybe she wants nothing to do with you once the baby is born, maybe she is thinking you'll step into the father role. You don't know because instead of sucking it up and dealing with this you're trying to pressure her into making this mistake just go away. That isn't going to happen. Do you really want that black cloud of emotional baggage hanging over your head if you pressure her into having an abortion? That's fucked up dude.

Maybe she doesn't have any support in looking for an alternative option. You're not being supportive. If you're addressing this issue with her the same way you're addressing it in this post then she probably feels backed into a corner. Like it or not, you are part of this issue, and you're both going to have to help each other get through it. After that, you two can go your separate ways.

nobueno1 · 3 days

Is the title still in your name then? You're not supposed to be able to sign over the title of a vehicle (or anything really) unless either the lender is paid off or the lender approves of the transfer (of course, that depends on the lender's paperwork. However that's normally in their paperwork and they normally won't put their OK on something like that). I would call the lender on the car and let them sort it out.

anonyDonOvan · 6 days

I definitely think it's inappropriate for her boss to be behaving that way. Do you actually know she wasn't bothered by this? Maybe she is and is just keeping it to herself thinking she can handle it on her own; perhaps to keep you from worrying?

It's a weird situation because the guy is her boss. If she doesn't have a responsive HR department she might be stuck with just brushing it off for the sake of keeping a good job. She also might not think it's that big of a deal if there's nothing physical so she can just ignore it.

Your emotions are valid, however I would keep away from jumping on her about it. I would just say that you're concerned with her work environment and that it seems inappropriate for her boss to act that way. It's OK for you to feel the way you do, but it's also OK for her to put up with it if she really likes the job and isn't engaging him on that level.

Invictionary · 6 days

Yes you do need help. You seem like you fall hard and fast and don't really stop to look at what's going on in the relationship. This isn't really a good thing. Were you two even in a relationship? Cut your losses and let it go, but I would suggest next time having the "I want us to be in a monogamous committed relationship" before you get so deep into it.

djfurious · 6 days

I want him and Tim Gunn to have a show together.

djfurious · 6 days

When you're that successful you can dress however the hell you want because you are the cutting edge of fashion.

djfurious · 6 days

When Project Runway moved to Lifetime there was a huge hooplah and lawsuit filed. Eventually it was settled and Season 6 was on Lifetime. After that Bravo produced several really horrible fashion centered shows to try to replace Project Runway. I believe "The Fashion Show" or something was the first one to air which follows extremely close to the Project Runway format.

kenmai9 · 6 days

Man don't even get me started on being homesick for the food. Gah. All I want is a proper Hawaiian BBQ place out here, there are enough transplants that there has GOT to be one.

goddarnasian · 7 days

I hate that moment when you realize your slip is WAY up and then you have to figure out how to discretely pull it back down without flashing anyone or looking like a loon who touches herself in public.

goddarnasian · 7 days

This is true. Though normally one picks out their attire for an occasion like this before the event so I'd like to think a better choice of underwear would have also been selected or washed if none were available. Sometimes shit happens though.

goddarnasian · 7 days

It's ok, I didn't know either. Where the hell was I that day? It couldn't have been reddit.

goddarnasian · 7 days

If you go to the bathroom and they get stuck in your panties they do. It looks like she has some kind of lining on the top of her dress, so I'm a bit baffled as to why there isn't anything on the bottom, which leads me to think something has gone amiss here and she did know it was sheer. However, dark undergarments are just dumb to wear under something that color.

goddarnasian · 7 days

I don't have enough mirrors to be able to see the back of anything I'm wearing so it helps to have someone check it out.

sophalope · 7 days

"Just fuck him more."

A mutual friend of mine and my ex's. That was his solution to the problems we were having in our relationship. The problem wasn't the sex, the problem was that he was a manipulative bastard and I felt trapped in a toxic relationship. No, I didn't want to have sex with someone who shamed me every time I tried to do something different in the bedroom, shamed me for my accomplishments, and for trying to better myself. Who turned everything around on me and made it my fault. No sir, that does not make me horny.

Tea-in-bed13 · 7 days

I live in the lovely(cray cray) state of Arizona. I take birth control because I don't want to get pregnant. I'm going to love the day that my boss decided to make the very poor decision of asking me about it.

It's an issue right now because it's easy and it divides people. It's an election year, and heaven forbid candidates actually focus on things like the economy instead of trying to find a new scape goat for America to focus on. If it was all talk I wouldn't be as concerned, but lawmakers are actually passing these crazy pieces of legislation! It's like we're lacing the water here with pure insanity.

rawrgs · 7 days

I was in a toxic relationship prior to the one I'm in now. Honestly, the worst thing that my friends did was to bash on my SO. Deep down I knew he was an ass, and that I should leave, but it's hard to not feel judged with so many people giving you heat about it. I just wasn't ready to hear it.

The one thing that really helped me hold on was one of my very good friends helping me see that I wasn't actually crazy. My boyfriend gaslit me a lot and I wasn't sure of myself or my feelings anymore. I needed some kind of comparison from a normal person who was totally detached from the situation to see just how fucked things had gotten. This gave me the confidence to go and actually see my friends again. Slowly, when they would confront me about it, it went from me being silent and just nodding my head, to actually being an active participant. I started to realize I really did deserve better. I was awesome, I had the start of a career, I found things that I wanted to do, and I realized I couldn't do them if I stuck with this guy.

Then the bottom fell out. He asked me if I had been sleeping with anyone while he was out of state. "Because, I would be OK with it if you had, since I'm not there to take care of you." That was the first time ever in that relationship that I got mad and actually confronted him about it. It kind of all came crashing down on me at that point that this man had this twisted view of me. He didn't even know me. In that moment I was done. And thankfully my friends and family were there to catch me and support me through the whirlwind that was our breakup (which lasted for like two weeks, it was horrible).

Now, this all in all took me about two years to work through. I was in this relationship for close to seven.

Just keep making the effort to support and be there for your friend. You and his child are probably all he has right now. He probably doesn't feel very awesome about himself (especially if he's not confident the baby is his), but it's his shit to work through. It sucks, it's very difficult to not get sucked back in, it's hard to see a way out and some kind of light at the end of the tunnel, but it's easier with good friends sticking by you. Only he can figure out what's going to motivate him to get out of the relationship. You might want to try kindly prodding him in the direction of making a better environment for his kid. Especially if he doesn't really have a lot of feelings for this woman anymore. Getting caught up in the day-to-day routine helps you to ignore your feelings and what's actually going on around you. I used pot to dull everything around me, sounds like he uses work and the baby.

You're a good friend, even if he doesn't say it, I'm sure he appreciates you being there for him.

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